Sarcastics Anonymous

Welcome Snowbirds!

Just in case you needed a reminder of why you live in FL.  Enjoy!  I look forward to seeing you at church this weekend, and yes flip flops will be in order for Saturday Night Service!

Seriously Funny

What is amazing about this cartoon by John Bogenschutz is that nobody ever thought of this before!  What a great idea!  Life no doubt has its dangers and for many of us we are afraid to step out and follow God's leading, but He has promised the Holy Spirit to us.  The protection of the Holy Spirit does not necessarily mean that we will never face troubles in this life.  One look at the Apostle Paul and you can clearly see that his life was anything but "safe."  However, knowing that God is with us and that the Holy Spirit lives within us allows us to live lives in reckless abandon and supreme obedience knowing that we have something much better than a bodyguard.  We have a spirit guard!

Seriously Funny

Christmas is just around the corner and we are excited to begin practicing for our special Christmas services on the weekend of December 20th and 21st.  I heard today that retailers are giving big discounts for the Christmas season, so I hope you will be ready for Christmas early this year, or if like some of my neighbors, you are ready for Christmas year round, all that's left is to plug in the string of lights permanently nailed to your roof!

Seriously Funny

One of the hardest things for us to realize as a church was to be content with the way that God has made us.  This Sunday we will be looking at how to have Joy in the face of Poverty from Philippians 4.  The lesson here is the same as in John Bogenschutz's cartoon.  God does not make mistakes!

Seriously Funny

Again John Bogenschutz makes a great point about how easy it can be for people to misunderstand and misapply His commands.  Thankfully, God has given us His Word.  The Bible not only provides us with many great examples, but it also lays out a clear set of commands that we can follow.    Mark Twain rightly said "it is not the parts of the Bible that I don't understand that scare me,  it is the parts of the Bible I do understand that does."  There may be much of the Bible that we struggle to understand, but in the end, it is very clear and when we begin by faith to follow what we do know, God reveals the difficult passages to us as well.  

Seriously Funny

Life is full of surprises, however many times there has been some level of warning that we have or have not thought worthy of our attention.  Here are some areas that we often ignore until the tidal wave comes....

1. Our personal life - this may be in our eating habits or other health issues that we pretend is not there.

2. Our finances - borrow, borrow, spend, spend, until the bills come.

3. Our Spiritual life - We put off accepting Christ, or living for Him, until one day when we will wish we'd all been ready.

4. Our Family Life - Neglected spouses leave, ignored kids move away, and the cat's in the cradle...

SO.... Here is your tidal wave drill!  And don't you dare hide under your desk!

Seriously Funny

My good friend John Bogenschutz is one of the most creative people in our church.  He is not only a good neighbor, but a great dad and has a daily comic strip that I truly enjoy.  In what I hope to be a series, John has given me permission to reprint some of his work on the blog.  I hope to take his humor and use it as an illustration of a practical thought for Fridays.  Enjoy! Think! Apply!

  :-) I think we have all been managed like this at one time or another.  Due to regulations and policies, good work is traded for mediocre. All of us have a tendency to micromanage people around us.
  This cartoon helps me to remember that God builds the church.  It is not my job as a pastor to complain about what I don't have, but to see the talent that God has placed around us, and let His people do His work.  I pray that Cornerstone is a place where people use their gifts, time and abilities to elevate Christ in Four Corners.  In the  end, the outcome will be so much better than what is probably chiseled on my pre-historic clipboard.

Snuggie Blanket's for Would-be Monks

Have you ever wanted to know where you could buy one of those wonderful robes that monks wear?  Now, as Seen on TV anyone can own one.  Snuggies come in several colors and even have arms.  

"No more blankets for me.  

This Christmas, there will be Snuggies under my tree!"

Krispy Kreme Employee Attacks Church Plant

Davenport FL. - Worshipers were gathered on Sunday morning for the 8:15 Classic Worship Service, and the Pastor, Joel Johns of Four Corners was delivering his message when he noticed through the back window that a car had entered the parking area long after the greeters who double as security guards had left their post. Worship Pastor, Gabe Dunlap went to investigate but upon his arrival he found 5 dozen Krispy Kreme Donuts and saw the suspect fleeing towards the parking lot. Unfortunately, distracted by the donuts, Gabe was unable to provide the Donut police with an adequate description. So far Cornerstone Church has been hit by the Krispy Kreme bandit twice in the last month. Parishoners speculate that the Krispy Kreme attacks may be in retaliation to an upcoming baptism service that has been titled "Dunkin' Baptism" in the familiar colors of "Dunkin' Donuts." Bill Alexander, a regular attendee at the church said, "I don't know how long I can hold out. The first time they attacked, I was able to resist the temptation, but each time it gets just that much harder." If you have information on the Krispy kreme Bandit, please contact the Donut Police at 1-800-000-0000.

The Pitch

6 Ways Church planting is like School House Romance

1. Awkward - Church planters are so self conscious of how they are perceived. It is like junior high when every part of your body is out of proportion. You are so self conscious.

2. Check the box notes - Remember wanting to find out if that certain someone liked you so you sent a friend to give them a note with the optional check one at the bottom. Churches do this, but our friends are ushers and the note is a guest card.

3. Pick up Lines - Successful church planters have mastered the art of the pick up line. Here are some of my favorites translated for use by church planters...
A. What's your sign .... Translated...What's your church background - this one is a no brainer.
B. What's your major ... Translated.... What's your major... doctrine - helpful in determining soap box issues in prospective members.
C. I lost my number, Can I borrow yours - great for that follow up phone call.
D. Didn't we go to different schools together - Do you know pastor so and so...
E. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together - translated CHCH what's missing? UR.

4. The follow up phone call - In school you always wondered how long after the date to make the phone call, the same is true in church planting. You don't want to come across too eager, but then again, you want to let them know you enjoyed your time together. It should be pointed out that the phone call has two purposes... 1. To test the water of this fledgling relationship and to score a second date. In this case get them to come back.

5. Meeting the Parents - In church world we call this Family day.

6. Going steady - After securing a number of dates...er attendances, the time comes to pop the question. Do you want to join. Basically this is going steady in church lingo.

Then begins the courtship, but that will have to wait for another day...

I Miss My Snowbirds...

Ever Google Your own name?

I know it is a bit egotistical, but this morning I was reading some blogs and typed my own name into the search box. I always thought Joel Johns was a bit of a unique name but maybe not so. Did you know that...

• "I" also work for Willow Creek Community Church.
• Here is a picture of "me" with Charlie Hall
• Here is the bio from "my" Internal medicine practice in Chattanooga
• Here is my page from when I was a rocket scientist in Clearwater
• Here is the "me" that beat me to the .com web address Whoa....
• Here is where "I" produced a death metal song for the French version of headbangers ball
• Here is "me" on the bio page of my web design company
  

Back to reality..... Here are some strange things, I notice that 2 of these six are in the music industry. The other strange thing is that I used to live in Chattanooga and in Clearwater. Now, I wonder if people who knew me then think I grew up to be a Doctor or a Rocket Scientist? As far as the Joel who beat me to the .com web address, well he looks like he could use a few in the win column. GO Bengals!

Teach my smart phone a lesson

I have a pretty smart phone, Motorola Razor to be specific. It can do anything. Well, I once tried shaving with it, but it was not so good. But here is my dilemma, Why don't smart phones know it is 3:17 A.M. when the battery gets low. Last night the phone starts whimpering like a 6 month old, and you know it wont just go back to sleep so you get up and plug it in. I am telling you I was ready to plug it into the trash can, but then I would still hear it annoyingly beeping from the depths. And while I'm on the subject.... When you put the little sucker on vibrate and the battery is low it does the same thing. it vibrates, draining your precious little battery every 2 minutes until it dies. Well, I feel better getting that off my chest. Maybe I need a smarter phone that when the battery gets low it can tell me and I can say, I know my dear, I will take care of it as soon as we get home. To which the phone will reply... "Are we there yet?"

My New Favorite Blog

My Sister Jessica suggested that I read this blog. I added "Prodigal Jon" to my reader and he is not only hilarious, he always has something funny to say and updates regularly.

Personal Favorites:

#203. Not knowing what meals to pray before. (A ha...

#196. The secret bathroom at church.

#194. Traveling Mercies

#192. Using "love on" as a verb.

#188. Judging someone's faith based on their Bible...

#182. Saying "pot blessings" instead of "pot luck...


man they are all good...

Here is one last one, the one that got it all started....

#5. Bootleg cookies.

Friday Fun

Real Preachers of Genius - Mr. Really Really Bad Preacher

I am glad I saw this before anyone sent it to me.

Best Line: "Every head bowed, every eye closed. Its not the altar call, it's you're preaching."

Honey...., eharmony's on the phone.....

So for the last few weeks at random, but never convenient times the phone would ring and "eharmony" would show up in the caller ID. Amy and I had exchanged many curious looks as to who in our household would be receiving calls from the dating website, but never enough to bother to pick it up. I had suspicions about Andrew (6 years old) as he has taken to wearing my cologne and last night he layered his shirts 3 deep before church. If you don't already know, these are obvious signs of a guy on the prowl. Well, today I finally answered the eharmony call. It took a few seconds for the automated answerer to pick up their end of the line and then she asked for..... you guessed it Jackie. I told her that she must have the wrong number, but then again we have at least 4 Jackies in the church. Jacque Conard, Jacki Wanless, Jackie Bartels, and Jackie Wortz! I'll let you know if my investigation turns anything up.

What will you do with your extra day?

All of us complain that we never have enough time to accomplish the things on our to-do list. We whine and complain about wanting more hours in the day, more days in the week ad nosium. What if there was a way to capture an entire day. To literally "Carpe' Diem!" We are now offering, free of charge, an extra day. Here is how it works, every 4 years, we have extra time left over. Don't ask me how it works, I think it is like the dregs of life or that last piece of chicken on the platter thing. Anyway, today only, February 29th, you can experience your extra day. Unfortunately, once it is gone, it is gone. I know there will be some of you who just go on with life without paying much attention. You will go to work, school, etc. and when the sun sets, you will have spent today as you probably do every other day. You will not see today as the opportunity to take care of that necessary thing that you have been putting off, or to tell that certain someone that certain something that you never tell them. I think we will need to brand this extra day in order to get the word out. What if..... we call it leap day! What if we take that concept of seizing the day and apply it to the one day that we must leap upon. Now we run the risk that some will misunderstand and maybe even leap over this day, but we must be more intentional in our message. Please email this to everyone on your list, no wait, please don't. Don't waste another minute of your day reading this blog. Go leap, leap with all your might. This is your day. Your one extra day, go for it!